[Fanfic] Bu Bu Jing Xin II Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Save Only Me

Sometimes, as I lay at night, I wondered where it all went wrong. Was it when I learned of Eunuch Li’s fate, when fear began to cloud my love, when I first saw him, not as a man, but as an Emperor? Or was it the moment I bow down to him, betraying Fourteenth prince, the Emperor, and my very own conscience? Or perhaps, we were wrong from the very beginning. I had accepted Eight prince in spite of reality, but it was different with Fourth prince. Reality had forced me to accept him. Our love was tainted from the start. But it was love, nonetheless. True, unconditional love; for despite how much I resented his actions, there was never a second where I did not love him. Though sometimes the resentment stacked up so high I couldn’t see anything else, my love was always there, ever-present, to this moment still. If I could go back, would I still choose him? Yes, his love was worth everything, the heartbreak, the tears, the sorrow. But would I still choose that love even if it meant Eight prince’s demise, Thirteenth prince’s imprisonment, and Fourteenth prince’s sorrow? I liked to think I was not that selfish. The truth was, I could handle heartbreak, tears, and sorrow, but the one thing that would break me was guilt. I had enough blood on my hand without adding any more to it. That was why, I would not, could not make the same mistake again.

___________

The first thing I realized when I came onto consciousness was that I was lying down on a soft bed, in a much too brightly lit room and that there was a strange man crouching at my elbow. Perhaps feeling my gaze on him, he looked up. His eyes crinkled with a smile as they met mine, reminding me of my dad. He must be about the same age too.

“She’s awake,” he called over his back

Immediately, the faces of Yang Guang, Zhenqing, and Kai Ming came into view.

“How are you feeling?”

“Are you hurt anywhere?”

“Are you alright?”

I blinked, trying to process their questions.

“Give her some space,” the strange man chastised gently. He smiled at me again, helping me sit up, “Do you remember what happened?”

I thought back. I came to the gallery, met Kai Ming, saw Lu Wu, and then, then… my gaze flickered over to Zhenqing. Yes, I remembered. I always remembered, even when I didn’t want to.

I didn’t voice any of this out loud, however, and answered simply, “I’ve fainted.”

The man nodded, “Yes. Luckily, your friend caught you before you hit the floor, so I don’t think you sustained any physical injury.”

I wanted to ask which friend he was talking about, but then wondered why it mattered.

“I also don’t see anything else that is wrong,” the man, who I now assumed was a doctor, continued, “Though your face is a little pale. When was the last time you’ve eaten today?”

I tried to organize my thoughts, “About 9 hours ago,” I replied, a little taken back myself at the fact

Three pairs of disapproving eyes turned to me.

The doctor nodded, as if he expected it, “And do you have any existing medical condition that might have led to the fainting?”

Existing medical-? Oh, yeah.

“I have a slight case of anemia.”

The three pairs of eyes narrowed.

“Well that explains it then,” the doctor declared, “I think the first thing we need to do is to get some sugar in you,” he glanced at the three men, “Do we have any food here?”

“I’ll go find some,” Yang Guang said

I didn’t dare to look up as he leave.

The doctor smiled kindly at me, “I think you’ll be fine. You do need to stay down for another 10 minutes or so. Anemia is not a serious illness, but it can be if left untreated. You have to remember to eat your meals on time, or else, you might not be so lucky next time.”

I nodded, feeling a little like a scolded child.

He looked over at Zhenqing and Kai Ming, “There’s nothing to worry about. I should get back.  My wife is probably wondering where I am.”

“Of course,” Zhenqing said, “Thank you for your help.”

The atmosphere turned slightly awkward after the good doctor left.

“So how are you feeling?” Kai Ming asked, after a brief moment of silence

“Better,” I answered

The two stared at me disbelievingly, their eyes saying much more than their mouths.

“So,” I said, partly wanting to distract their attention, “where am I?”

“The security guard’s night shift room,” Zhenqing answered, “We were going to call the ambulance but Hai Ling remembered about this room, and the fact that Dr. Cheng was in attendance with his wife.”

Hai Ling. Lu Wu. Always calm in the midst of a crisis. I felt a sudden surge of affection for the woman.

“I got food!” Yang Guang announced as he walked back in the room

I stared at the numerous bags of chips, candy, and cookies he unceremoniously dumped on my lap.

“What did you do? Raid a vending machine?”

“Yes,” he replied, “I saw Dr. Cheng on the way back. He said that this is good enough until we can get some real food in you.”

I frowned, “This is all really unneccess-”

“Eat!”

My head snapped up. The order had come from three different people, all of whom were now staring at me with, disturbingly, almost the same expression. They really could have been brothers.

Figuring I needed to pick my battles, I complied. The crunching of chips was the only sound in the otherwise silent room.

After I finished, I dusted off the crumbs off me, silently apologizing to the guard who would have to sleep here later.

“That’s it?” Yang Guang asked

I glanced at him, “When the doctor said I needed some sugar, I doubt he meant enough to give me diabetes.”

Looking at their unyielding faces, I sighed, “I’m truly feeling better. Besides, I really want to go home now.”

There was a pause, then Kai Ming said, “I’ll take you.”

From the corner of my eyes, I saw Yang Guang opened his mouth but, with a quick glance from his cousin, closed it again.

“You’re not well enough to go by yourself,” Kai Ming continued while I tried to think of a way to refuse, “Unless, of course, you want me to call your dad to pick you up.”

My eyes flew to his at that last part. He stared back at me unapologetically. There was no doubt he would follow through on that threat.

“Fine,” I muttered

I moved to get down from the bed. Three pairs of hands shot out to help me. I ignored them all.

“Thanks for inviting me to your exhibit,” I said, turning to Yang Guang, “Sorry I…”

 Fainted in the middle of it. Ran out on you earlier.

Yang Guang’s lips quirked, “It’s alright.”

I gave Zhenqing a polite smile as I left, one which he did not return. It did seem rude, but then again, I was exactly the epitome of politeness myself.

___________

The ride in the car was a silent one. Which was what I would have wanted, if not for the coldness emitting from Kai Ming that was never there before. I fidgeted for a while, then stopped, because there was nothing I could do or say. I wished tonight did not have to end like it did, especially if this was the last time I was going to see them.

Lost in my own thoughts, it took me a minute to realize the car had pulled to a stop.

I glanced at the building in front of me, “What are we doing here?”

“Having dinner,” Kai Ming answered

He got out of the car without another word. I stayed still for a second. I had never taken well to orders, not even when my life depended on it. But his behavior was due to his concern for me, and tonight might be our last time together. I got out of the car, none too elegantly, and followed him into the restaurant. All was quiet between us saved for the time the waitress came to take our orders. I wallowed in the silence for a moment longer, before deciding it was enough.

“I’m sorry,” I said

He closed his eyes briefly, his brows furrowed, “For what?”

For everything.

I didn’t answer. I didn’t need to.

Kai Ming opened his eyes, “What exactly happened back there?” he demanded, “You were fine earlier, but when you came back out, you were shaking and could barely stand. What…”

I looked up when he trailed off. His eyes flashed to me, and I almost recoiled from the fury in them.

“Did he hurt you?”

The question was a low hiss, dark and ominous. My eyes widened as I realized what he meant.

“What? No!” Remembering that we were in a public place, I lowered my voice, “No. Yang Guang isn’t that kind of person.”

The tension seemed to ebb from him a bit, “Then what happened?”

I looked away, “Can we not talk about it?”

“I trusted you with my story, why can’t you trust me with yours?” he asked softly

I could hear the hurt in his voice and it was like a stab to my heart. Would there ever be a day when I didn’t hurt the ones I loved?

“It’s not about trust,” I said carefully. Not in this lifetime, anyway. “It’s just…complicated. And I don’t have the energy for it right now.”

There was a brief silence again, followed by a quiet sigh, “Fine.”

It wasn’t acceptance, or forgiveness, but I took it all the same.

___________

That night, after saying goodnight to Kai Ming, and making him promise not to tell my dad what happened, I went back to my apartment. For some reason, I stood still in the doorway for a while, staring at my empty home. Everything I learned tonight came crashing down and I could feel the darkness ebbing back inside me, the jagged edges of loneliness I thought I smoothed out scratching alongside my soul. So I stood, and stared, and seeing nothing.

Just me, alone.

As it should be.

___________

It had been nearly a week since that incident at the gallery. Other than a couple of texts and one missed phone call from Yang Guang (I responded to a few of the first and readily ignored the latter), I had not have any contact with any of them. I even stopped going to the hospital. It was for the best. Who was I to help anyone, when I was so broken myself? Fate was determined to bring us together, but I was determined to stay away. It was different when I was Maertai Ruoxi. With my sister as Eight prince’s Ce’fujin, I had no choice but to be a part of their lives. Then, step by step, I became more and more entangled, with no way of getting out. But it was different now. I was no longer connected to them in anyway. There was still time for me to get out, to stop the tragedy from happening, to save them from me.

Luckily, work had picked up and, despite having Xiao Man back, had kept me busy, with little time to think. My colleagues noticed my subdued mood, but I was able to blame it on our increase workload. I also used the same excuse to not go home for dinner. My mom would not be as easily fooled as my friends, and I couldn’t let her worry again.

The workday was coming to an end and I rejected the offer of happy hours from Tong Lei. Knowing the demons that were waiting for me back in the silence of my empty house, I elected to stay for OT. Manager Hu left with an approving smile and a warning not to work too hard. Not wanting the time or space for my thoughts to run amok, I quickly focused back on the documents in front of me. A few minutes later, however, I heard the sound of footsteps coming closer. I looked up, thinking it was one of my colleagues who forgotten something. But the face which greeted me was that of Yang Guang.

My eyes widened, “What are you doing here?”

He smiled as he casually walked over and sat down in the chair beside me, “Why have you been avoiding me?”

I flushed, looking away, “I wasn’t. I’ve been busy.”

“That’s an excuse, not a reason.”

I didn’t answer, not wanting to lie, but not able to say the truth either.

“What happened that day at the gallery?”

I sighed, finally meeting his eyes, “Can this be one of those things we don’t talk about?”

He cocked his head, “What things don’t we talk about?”

“The reason why you’re denying your feelings for your manager, for example.”

His brows lifted, “Is this what our friendship is? A trade? You’ll tell me yours if I’ll tell you mine?”

I closed my eyes in frustration, “No. But it is understanding and respecting the fact that we each have secrets we like to keep.”

He stared at me silently for a minute, “Fine. But don’t I at least get to know why I’m getting the silent treatment, or when it will stop?”

“I’m talking to you,” I said, not caring how petulant I sounded

“No,” he replied, “You’re not.”

Once again, I didn’t answer. Finally, Yang Guang sighed.

“You know, when I first met you, in Ge’s office, I thought you were meek and shy, with the way you blushed and tried to run away. But then later that night, you wouldn’t let me rattle you, returning my teasing with your own, and I thought I was wrong. There’s a fire within you,” He stared at me, “So, why are you running away now?”

“You’re better off without me,” I said quietly

He watched me carefully, “That’s kind of arrogant of you, don’t you think?”

I glanced at him, “What?”

He leaned back on his seat, “Deciding you know what’s best for me on your own. Making the decision for me without asking my opinion.  Aren’t you being too assuming?”

He would see it that way. I wondered if he knew what associating with me could lead to, what I was capable of, would he still be so persistent?  As soon as the question formed in my mind, I knew the answer. Yes, he would.  Thirteenth prince would go through hell for his friends, and, in a way, he did.

“I’m having a party this weekend,” he said, when the silence got too long, “to celebrate the exhibit’s success. Will you come?”

“Why would you want me to?”

He knew the question I was really asking.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “Maybe because we’re so similar,” his smile was mirthless, “You’re as lost as I am.”

___________

 After that conversation with Yang Guang, I was too wired to concentrate on numbers. I had planned to go home, but, for some reasons, I ended up at the hospital.  I admitted I was worried. Without seeing Li Chen or my brother for a week, I had no idea how the former was doing, if he was eating right, or attending his physical therapy. Before the exhibit, we were getting along better. He no longer greeted me with a sarcastic remark, and was even willing to answer my questions. I thought I was making progress. But…was I? What if I was only making things worse?

I shook my head, disgusted with my own indecisiveness. Hadn’t I hurt enough people with it already? Making up my mind, I gave a light knock before turning the knob.

Li Chen turned instinctively when I walked in. It might have been my imagination, but I thought I saw his face lit up for a second before shutting down.

“Where were you?” he asked, his voice gruff, eyes narrowed

“I was busy.”

“Too busy for your idol? You’re the worst fan ever.”

I smiled indulgently, “I didn’t have time to cook you anything, but I bought you congee from a restaurant nearby.”

Li Chen glared at me, “If it’s not good, I’m expelling you from my fan club.”

I made no reply as I carefully pour out the congee. He took a tentative sip then made a grunting noise which I took to mean that it was acceptable. He ate in silent for a few minutes before glancing my way.

“What’s your name anyway?”

I blinked, “What?”

“Your name,” he demanded impatiently, “That way if I get food poisoning or something I know what to tell the police.”

I laughed softly, “Zha-,” I stopped. It was better if he didn’t know my last name lest he made the connection. “My friends called my Xiao Xiao.”

He nodded curtly before going back to his meal. Though it wasn’t technically a lie, my stomach still burned with guilt. It seemed no matter where I was, seeds of deceit were scattered around me. It was another reason to remove myself from this endless cycle.

“I started physical therapy.”

I was so lost in my thoughts that it took me a couple seconds to process Li Chen’s words.

“You did?” I asked dumbly

He shrugged, all nonchalant, “Yeah. I figured I give it a try. It seemed like I’m destined to succeed at everything I do. They said that if I continued at this process, I might make it to the November competition.”

Despite the casualness of his words, I heard the anticipation in them.

“That’s awesome!” I gushed

He shrugged again, but his lips curled up slightly into a small but pleased smile. With that, a tiny bubble of hope swelled within me. Perhaps there was a chance for redemption after all.

___________

A/N: I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but I had this chapter done since forever and just had to post it. The reason I basically disappeared was because of the West Explosion that happened a couple of months back, which was near where I lived. It took a while to come back from that and of course, real life took precedent. I haven't yet decided what the future of this blog is going to be but I will let you know.