Chapter 10: Save Only Me
Sometimes, as I lay at night, I
wondered where it all went wrong. Was it when I learned of Eunuch Li’s fate,
when fear began to cloud my love, when I first saw him, not as a man, but as an
Emperor? Or was it the moment I bow down to him, betraying Fourteenth prince,
the Emperor, and my very own conscience? Or perhaps, we were wrong from the
very beginning. I had accepted Eight prince in spite of reality, but it was
different with Fourth prince. Reality had forced me to accept him. Our love was
tainted from the start. But it was love, nonetheless. True, unconditional love;
for despite how much I resented his actions, there was never a second where I
did not love him. Though sometimes the resentment stacked up so high I couldn’t
see anything else, my love was always there, ever-present, to this moment
still. If I could go back, would I still choose him? Yes, his love was worth
everything, the heartbreak, the tears, the sorrow. But would I still choose
that love even if it meant Eight prince’s demise, Thirteenth prince’s
imprisonment, and Fourteenth prince’s sorrow? I liked to think I was not that
selfish. The truth was, I could handle heartbreak, tears, and sorrow, but the
one thing that would break me was guilt. I had enough blood on my hand without
adding any more to it. That was why, I would not, could not make the same
mistake again.
___________
The first thing I realized when
I came onto consciousness was that I was lying down on a soft bed, in a much
too brightly lit room and that there was a strange man crouching at my elbow.
Perhaps feeling my gaze on him, he looked up. His eyes crinkled with a smile as
they met mine, reminding me of my dad. He must be about the same age too.
“She’s awake,” he called over
his back
Immediately, the faces of Yang
Guang, Zhenqing, and Kai Ming came into view.
“How are you feeling?”
“Are you hurt anywhere?”
“Are you alright?”
I blinked, trying to process
their questions.
“Give her some space,” the
strange man chastised gently. He smiled at me again, helping me sit up, “Do you
remember what happened?”
I thought back. I came to the
gallery, met Kai Ming, saw Lu Wu, and then, then… my gaze flickered over to
Zhenqing. Yes, I remembered. I always remembered, even when I didn’t want to.
I didn’t voice any of this out
loud, however, and answered simply, “I’ve fainted.”
The man nodded, “Yes. Luckily,
your friend caught you before you hit the floor, so I don’t think you sustained
any physical injury.”
I wanted to ask which friend he
was talking about, but then wondered why it mattered.
“I also don’t see anything else
that is wrong,” the man, who I now assumed was a doctor, continued, “Though
your face is a little pale. When was the last time you’ve eaten today?”
I tried to organize my thoughts,
“About 9 hours ago,” I replied, a little taken back myself at the fact
Three pairs of disapproving eyes
turned to me.
The doctor nodded, as if he
expected it, “And do you have any existing medical condition that might have led
to the fainting?”
Existing medical-? Oh, yeah.
“I have a slight case of anemia.”
The three pairs of eyes
narrowed.
“Well that explains it then,”
the doctor declared, “I think the first thing we need to do is to get some
sugar in you,” he glanced at the three men, “Do we have any food here?”
“I’ll go find some,” Yang Guang
said
I didn’t dare to look up as he
leave.
The doctor smiled kindly at me,
“I think you’ll be fine. You do need to stay down for another 10 minutes or so.
Anemia is not a serious illness, but it can be if left untreated. You have to
remember to eat your meals on time, or else, you might not be so lucky next
time.”
I nodded, feeling a little like
a scolded child.
He looked over at Zhenqing and
Kai Ming, “There’s nothing to worry about. I should get back. My wife is probably wondering where I am.”
“Of course,” Zhenqing said,
“Thank you for your help.”
The atmosphere turned slightly
awkward after the good doctor left.
“So how are you feeling?” Kai
Ming asked, after a brief moment of silence
“Better,” I answered
The two stared at me
disbelievingly, their eyes saying much more than their mouths.
“So,” I said, partly wanting to
distract their attention, “where am I?”
“The security guard’s night
shift room,” Zhenqing answered, “We were going to call the ambulance but Hai
Ling remembered about this room, and the fact that Dr. Cheng was in attendance
with his wife.”
Hai Ling. Lu Wu. Always calm in
the midst of a crisis. I felt a sudden surge of affection for the woman.
“I got food!” Yang Guang
announced as he walked back in the room
I stared at the numerous bags of
chips, candy, and cookies he unceremoniously dumped on my lap.
“What did you do? Raid a vending
machine?”
“Yes,” he replied, “I saw Dr.
Cheng on the way back. He said that this is good enough until we can get some
real food in you.”
I frowned, “This is all really
unneccess-”
“Eat!”
My head snapped up. The order
had come from three different people, all of whom were now staring at me with,
disturbingly, almost the same expression. They really could have been brothers.
Figuring I needed to pick my
battles, I complied. The crunching of chips was the only sound in the otherwise
silent room.
After I finished, I dusted off
the crumbs off me, silently apologizing to the guard who would have to sleep
here later.
“That’s it?” Yang Guang asked
I glanced at him, “When the
doctor said I needed some sugar, I doubt he meant enough to give me diabetes.”
Looking at their unyielding
faces, I sighed, “I’m truly feeling better. Besides, I really want to go home
now.”
There was a pause, then Kai Ming
said, “I’ll take you.”
From the corner of my eyes, I
saw Yang Guang opened his mouth but, with a quick glance from his cousin,
closed it again.
“You’re not well enough to go by
yourself,” Kai Ming continued while I tried to think of a way to refuse,
“Unless, of course, you want me to call your dad to pick you up.”
My eyes flew to his at that last
part. He stared back at me unapologetically. There was no doubt he would follow
through on that threat.
“Fine,” I muttered
I moved to get down from the
bed. Three pairs of hands shot out to help me. I ignored them all.
“Thanks for inviting me to your
exhibit,” I said, turning to Yang Guang, “Sorry I…”
Fainted in the middle of it. Ran
out on you earlier.
Yang Guang’s lips quirked, “It’s
alright.”
I gave Zhenqing a polite smile
as I left, one which he did not return. It did seem rude, but then again, I was
exactly the epitome of politeness myself.
___________
The ride in the car was a silent
one. Which was what I would have wanted, if not for the coldness emitting from
Kai Ming that was never there before. I fidgeted for a while, then stopped,
because there was nothing I could do or say. I wished tonight did not have to
end like it did, especially if this was the last time I was going to see them.
Lost in my own thoughts, it took
me a minute to realize the car had pulled to a stop.
I glanced at the building in
front of me, “What are we doing here?”
“Having dinner,” Kai Ming
answered
He got out of the car without
another word. I stayed still for a second. I had never taken well to orders,
not even when my life depended on it. But his behavior was due to his concern
for me, and tonight might be our last time together. I got out of the car, none
too elegantly, and followed him into the restaurant. All was quiet between us
saved for the time the waitress came to take our orders. I wallowed in the
silence for a moment longer, before deciding it was enough.
“I’m sorry,” I said
He closed his eyes briefly, his
brows furrowed, “For what?”
For everything.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t need
to.
Kai Ming opened his eyes, “What
exactly happened back there?” he demanded, “You were fine earlier, but when you
came back out, you were shaking and could barely stand. What…”
I looked up when he trailed off.
His eyes flashed to me, and I almost recoiled from the fury in them.
“Did he hurt you?”
The question was a low hiss,
dark and ominous. My eyes widened as I realized what he meant.
“What? No!” Remembering that we
were in a public place, I lowered my voice, “No. Yang Guang isn’t that kind of
person.”
The tension seemed to ebb from
him a bit, “Then what happened?”
I looked away, “Can we not talk
about it?”
“I trusted you with my story,
why can’t you trust me with yours?” he asked softly
I could hear the hurt in his
voice and it was like a stab to my heart. Would there ever be a day when I didn’t
hurt the ones I loved?
“It’s not about trust,” I said
carefully. Not in this lifetime, anyway.
“It’s just…complicated. And I don’t have the energy for it right now.”
There was a brief silence again,
followed by a quiet sigh, “Fine.”
It wasn’t acceptance, or
forgiveness, but I took it all the same.
___________
That night, after saying
goodnight to Kai Ming, and making him promise not to tell my dad what happened,
I went back to my apartment. For some reason, I stood still in the doorway for
a while, staring at my empty home. Everything I learned tonight came crashing
down and I could feel the darkness ebbing back inside me, the jagged edges of
loneliness I thought I smoothed out scratching alongside my soul. So I stood,
and stared, and seeing nothing.
Just me, alone.
As it should be.
___________
It had been nearly a week since
that incident at the gallery. Other than a couple of texts and one missed phone
call from Yang Guang (I responded to a few of the first and readily ignored the
latter), I had not have any contact with any of them. I even stopped going to
the hospital. It was for the best. Who was I to help anyone, when I was so
broken myself? Fate was determined to bring us together, but I was determined
to stay away. It was different when I was Maertai Ruoxi. With my sister as
Eight prince’s Ce’fujin, I had no choice but to be a part of their lives. Then,
step by step, I became more and more entangled, with no way of getting out. But
it was different now. I was no longer connected to them in anyway. There was
still time for me to get out, to stop the tragedy from happening, to save them
from me.
Luckily, work had picked up and,
despite having Xiao Man back, had kept me busy, with little time to think. My
colleagues noticed my subdued mood, but I was able to blame it on our increase
workload. I also used the same excuse to not go home for dinner. My mom would
not be as easily fooled as my friends, and I couldn’t let her worry again.
The workday was coming to an end
and I rejected the offer of happy hours from Tong Lei. Knowing the demons that
were waiting for me back in the silence of my empty house, I elected to stay
for OT. Manager Hu left with an approving smile and a warning not to work too
hard. Not wanting the time or space for my thoughts to run amok, I quickly
focused back on the documents in front of me. A few minutes later, however, I
heard the sound of footsteps coming closer. I looked up, thinking it was one of
my colleagues who forgotten something. But the face which greeted me was that
of Yang Guang.
My eyes widened, “What are you
doing here?”
He smiled as he casually walked
over and sat down in the chair beside me, “Why have you been avoiding me?”
I flushed, looking away, “I
wasn’t. I’ve been busy.”
“That’s an excuse, not a
reason.”
I didn’t answer, not wanting to
lie, but not able to say the truth either.
“What happened that day at the
gallery?”
I sighed, finally meeting his
eyes, “Can this be one of those things we don’t talk about?”
He cocked his head, “What things
don’t we talk about?”
“The reason why you’re denying
your feelings for your manager, for example.”
His brows lifted, “Is this what
our friendship is? A trade? You’ll tell me yours if I’ll tell you mine?”
I closed my eyes in frustration,
“No. But it is understanding and respecting the fact that we each have secrets
we like to keep.”
He stared at me silently for a
minute, “Fine. But don’t I at least get to know why I’m getting the silent
treatment, or when it will stop?”
“I’m talking to you,” I said,
not caring how petulant I sounded
“No,” he replied, “You’re not.”
Once again, I didn’t answer. Finally,
Yang Guang sighed.
“You know, when I first met you,
in Ge’s office, I thought you were meek and shy, with the way you blushed and
tried to run away. But then later that night, you wouldn’t let me rattle you,
returning my teasing with your own, and I thought I was wrong. There’s a fire
within you,” He stared at me, “So, why are you running away now?”
“You’re better off without me,”
I said quietly
He watched me carefully, “That’s
kind of arrogant of you, don’t you think?”
I glanced at him, “What?”
He leaned back on his seat,
“Deciding you know what’s best for me on your own. Making the decision for me
without asking my opinion. Aren’t you
being too assuming?”
He would see it that way. I
wondered if he knew what associating with me could lead to, what I was capable
of, would he still be so persistent? As
soon as the question formed in my mind, I knew the answer. Yes, he would. Thirteenth prince would go through hell for
his friends, and, in a way, he did.
“I’m having a party this
weekend,” he said, when the silence got too long, “to celebrate the exhibit’s
success. Will you come?”
“Why would you want me to?”
He knew the question I was
really asking.
“I don’t know,” he admitted,
“Maybe because we’re so similar,” his smile was mirthless, “You’re as lost as I
am.”
___________
After that conversation with Yang Guang, I was
too wired to concentrate on numbers. I had planned to go home, but, for some
reasons, I ended up at the hospital. I
admitted I was worried. Without seeing Li Chen or my brother for a week, I had
no idea how the former was doing, if he was eating right, or attending his
physical therapy. Before the exhibit, we were getting along better. He no
longer greeted me with a sarcastic remark, and was even willing to answer my
questions. I thought I was making progress. But…was I? What if I was only
making things worse?
I shook my head, disgusted with
my own indecisiveness. Hadn’t I hurt enough people with it already? Making up
my mind, I gave a light knock before turning the knob.
Li Chen turned instinctively
when I walked in. It might have been my imagination, but I thought I saw his
face lit up for a second before shutting down.
“Where were you?” he asked, his
voice gruff, eyes narrowed
“I was busy.”
“Too busy for your idol? You’re
the worst fan ever.”
I smiled indulgently, “I didn’t
have time to cook you anything, but I bought you congee from a restaurant
nearby.”
Li Chen glared at me, “If it’s
not good, I’m expelling you from my fan club.”
I made no reply as I carefully
pour out the congee. He took a tentative sip then made a grunting noise which I
took to mean that it was acceptable. He ate in silent for a few minutes before
glancing my way.
“What’s your name anyway?”
I blinked, “What?”
“Your name,” he demanded
impatiently, “That way if I get food poisoning or something I know what to tell
the police.”
I laughed softly, “Zha-,” I
stopped. It was better if he didn’t know my last name lest he made the
connection. “My friends called my Xiao Xiao.”
He nodded curtly before going
back to his meal. Though it wasn’t technically a lie, my stomach still burned
with guilt. It seemed no matter where I was, seeds of deceit were scattered
around me. It was another reason to remove myself from this endless cycle.
“I started physical therapy.”
I was so lost in my thoughts
that it took me a couple seconds to process Li Chen’s words.
“You did?” I asked dumbly
He shrugged, all nonchalant, “Yeah.
I figured I give it a try. It seemed like I’m destined to succeed at everything
I do. They said that if I continued at this process, I might make it to the
November competition.”
Despite the casualness of his
words, I heard the anticipation in them.
“That’s awesome!” I gushed
He shrugged again, but his lips
curled up slightly into a small but pleased smile. With that, a tiny bubble of
hope swelled within me. Perhaps there was a chance for redemption after all.
___________
A/N: I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but I had this chapter done since forever and just had to post it. The reason I basically disappeared was because of the West Explosion that happened a couple of months back, which was near where I lived. It took a while to come back from that and of course, real life took precedent. I haven't yet decided what the future of this blog is going to be but I will let you know.
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